Out of the annals of "Pass me That Mallet, I Need to Bash Open My Head," comes today’s story of murder, rebirth, murder, Christian forgiveness, and more murder.Remember David Berkowitz, the New Yorker who killed 6 people and wounded 7 because his neighbor’s demonic black lab told him to?Well, David, “Son of Sam,” went to jail in 1977, friendless, hopeless, and believing in the wrong God.
Cut to 2010: David’s not the “Son of Sam” anymore. No, I'm happy to report that he's now the “Son of Hope.”It seems that Mr. Berkowitz is now a poster child for a group of Christian fundamentalists: he runs his own “letter-writing ministry” and has completely reformed, spending his time urging others to follow his new path.
So Berkowitz has drank from the trough of Christ’s Kool Aid and he doesn’t want to go back.In his own words, “I was once a prisoner but now I am free in Christ.”If such phrases are inspirational to you, there is a fabulous website, run on David’s behalf, where you can “arise and shine with David Berkowitz, former Son of Sam” every day.You can also help David get parole here, or read his poetry from "Behind the Wall." I don’t know about you, but these now rotate daily as my homepage.Here is a glorious poem for you, written by the Son of Hope, in its original geocities font:
Corn Stalk
The corn stalk
Stands tall not rigid,
Swayed by a tender breeze.
One thin stem it stands on,
Leaning north or south with ease.
But man is most unyielding,
And won't bend on his two stems.
Yet they both will wither
And wilt down to the ground.
The man he fades to ashes,
The corn just fades to brown.
It is clear that the fundamentalists have stepped up their game.They are employing ex-serial killers to spread the word of their god to the world.I think we all know what the atheists need to do to counter: you bring the shovels, I’ll find out where Timothy McVeigh is buried.
On a sunny day, a pregnant lady gets to the bus stop. But, oh no! The bench is full. One person looks up from his seat and does nothing--how rude! Then our big friend kindly offers his seat with a smile.
This is a Kool Aid commercial, and apparently, Kool Aid is a sweetie in khaki shorts.
But, what is up with that pregnant-lady-snubbing soda jerk?
It looks like it's he an NYT reader. Well then, he must be an ass. (Thanks, marketers, for leaving that clue!)
The NYT might need to do a little damage control on this. After all, there are lots of juice drinkers out there and not as many main stream media fans (let alone paying fans). More people are drinking this Kool Aid than that Kool Aid.
I know that I am new here, and therefore you don't trust me. I understand- I wouldn't trust me either. You can't see it, but I've got shifty eyes going on right now. So- proceed with caution. That said, I am going to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest. It's not a personal question, so you don't have to be like, "oh, I don't like answering that kind of question on the internet where communist robots are watching my every click." The question is this: What can you get for Eight Real American Dollars these days? Here is a list, verified by Consumer Reports and the man that sells anklets on St. Marks Place:
Martha Stewart's virginity
Seven King Sized Clark Bars manufactured in 1991
A copy of the Bhagavad Gita in Finnish
The dugout of the Montreal Expos, complete with a golden statue of Dennis Martinez's hands
2.5 hours of rides on "Fredo the WunderDonkey" outside of ShopRite
So you see, there are not many things that you can buy for 8 dollars in post-Great Recession America. But one thing, the best thing, that you can get for this paltry sum, is this:
BIT.TRIP RUNNER, the WiiWare video game featuring Commander Video in his multi-level campaign toward freedom from infidels and fly-ridden cat carriers. The graphics are reminiscent of the original Atari games, and play is like a combination of Super Mario Brothers and Parappa the Rappa. Upon release, one critic said, Commander Video is "the epic poet of nature...full of enthusiasm, indulgence, and serenity, extracting from nature all of its joy." Take his word for it- he knows his stuff.
And now, just in time for Labor Day weekend, I present to you the ULTIMATE 2log DOWNLOAD OF 2010. A focus group of three certified geniuses has just released a set of standard drinking game rules for BIT.TRIPRUNNER. And, like always, 2log has the exclusive in this breaking news situation. You can peruse the game rules below, or download and print the PDF here. Give it a spin this weekend and you'll never go back to Call of Duty: The Desert is Making Me Thirsty. Trust me. You won't regret it like you'll regret Martha.
I'm sure you're all familiar with Urban Dictionary by now, as it has been active for several years, but if you're not, it's a website where people can make their own dictionary entries for slang and common vernacular not found in your average copy of Webster's. Terms such as "turd catcher," "muffin top," and not to mention the user-submitted definition for Dr. Dre, which reads "The man who started the whole gangsta shit," appear in this unsavory collection.
Every now and then, I peruse the website in search of new terms, simply clicking the "random" link at the top-left corner of the page. I was so excited to find this entry, submitted on March 4, 2004:
I don't know about you, but the story of Old Tom Sleepass makes me love the internet just a little bit more. Thanks, the Internet!
What I didn't know about Urban Dictionary (or somehow missed along the way) is that they can put any of these definitions onto merchandise, like trucker hats, t-shirts, and coffee mugs. I'm considering purchasing this mug and using it in my office. What do you think?
Drop whatever you're doing and go see Scott Pilgrim vs. the Universe! Why?
It's already earned the honors of #1 film of the year in my book. 'Nuff said. Stop making movies Hollywood, you're wasting your time.
80s retro is out. 8-bit retro is in. You will be a bit stunned to see a throwback to a 90's era you didn't realize was bygone, though it's been out for 20 years OHNOREALLYWhurrsMyMETAMUCIL!
The heavy integration of old school video game sound effects, symbols, and tropes makes Roger Ebert look like a bigger fuddy duddy than I do. Oops Roger, did we spill some video game on your precious art?
Michael Cera is less of a weenie than usual, such that it doesn't actually get in the way.
For fans of Arrested Development, you get the added bonus of watching George Michael battling lesbian Ann Veal. Even better, she utters the line: "Bi-curious? I'm Bi-FURIOUS!" Her?
I have an announcement to make: It's America's most special once-a-century event, not to mention that this is the first time the event will be celebrated. It's 90210 Day! That is, 9/02/10, or September 2nd, 2010.
Today, I encourage all of you to make out with your best friend's significant other, drive around in a convertible while your hair whips in the wind, and make sure to wear something that looks like any of these outfits:
Peoples! Gitcherselves good AND ready, for the arrival of the Great Dane is imminent:
I'm talkin' 'bout Dana guest 2loggin' up in this BIZNASTY.
Yep, yep--you need to WATCH THE EFF OUT, if you please. Dana, when not destroying your face with whizbang 2loggery the likes of which you have not yet experienced, she is makin' films of the awesome variety with her production company, Where's My Sled Productions, where she just completed writing, directing, and editing Triptych, in which I had the good fortune to perform. She is also one of the masterminds behind Sarah's View, the Twitter sensation that was almost too hot for America to handle.
[An outdoor bar in Toronto's Kensington Market neighborhood. Couples and friends in their late 20's and early 30's are seated in the patio, drinking, talking, and smoking. American tourists CANDICE and DANA are enjoying alcoholic beverages. After a long day of travel, CANDICE lights a cigarette. HOMELY MAN approaches CANDICE.]
HOMELY MAN:
Excuse me, can I have a cigarette please?
CANDICE:
(Reluctantly)
Sure.
(Glances at DANA)
HOMELY MAN:
I promise I'll get you back.
CANDICE:
Oh, that's no problem.
(Glances at DANA again.)
HOMELY MAN:
(Points to cigarettes.)
Hey, what kind of cigarettes are these?
CANDICE:
These are American Spirits. They're light.
(Hands HOMELY MAN a cigarette. DANA lights his cigarette. CANDICE cringes as she notices that HOMELY MAN'S hands and fingernails are covered in filth.)
HOMELY MAN:
(Inspects cigarette closely.)
Is it good inside?
CANDICE:
(Glances at DANA, who is restraining a laugh.)
Um, yeah, they're good inside. I mean, I like them.
HOMELY MAN:
Alright, well thank you.
(Homely man walks away).
DANA:
That was so weird!
CANDICE:
I know! What does he mean, "Are they good inside?" What am I supposed to say? "Oh, they're filled with chocolate!"
(CANDICE and DANA laugh).
HOMELY MAN:
(Comes back to the table. He is removing the cigarette from his mouth.)
Actually, I don't like these. But thanks.
(He flicks the cigarette into the ashtray and walks away.CANDICE and DANA exchange confused looks.)
...
