Foolish astronomers! Ye who confused the power to observe the heavens with the power to command them. So arrogant as to create a planetary purity test simply to exclude Pluto! Look what you've wrought.
Our solar system has fallen to #2 as an upstart planetary system has moved into the lead with 9 planets. Shame on all who stood idly by and allowed this happen.
Aaron, come here. Before you leave there's something I .. we need to talk.
It's about your father. I can't bear to keep the truth from you anymore so before you go away to Rutgers I have to tell you something. You see, your father did not walk out on us when you were a baby.
Your father died during childbirth.
We always knew we wanted to have children but I couldn't stand to be pregnant. I was afraid of pregnancy! You know how they portray pregnancy in the Lifetime films. It always ends in miscarriage or alcoholism or both. So we found the best surgeon in Ghana and had our baby put in your father's belly. That baby was you!
Oh, everyone told us it would never work. It had never been done before. A pregnant man? The engineers told us it was against physiology and the Quakers told us it was against God. Yes, we used to be a Quaker family. We were excommunicated. But despite the warnings of all the so-called experts, the pregnancy took. And it went well.
It went so well, in fact, that it gave your father the confidence to decide that he'd only have a completely natural childbirth. No drugs, no surgery, no bells or whistles. It was to be him, a midwife, and your grandmother's old bronze tub. What could I say to convince him that he should be in a hospital during labor? It was his body, so it was his choice.
The day finally came. Your father's water broke all over his maternity Dockers. For four hours he lay in that tub, occasionally taking walks while holding my hand. His weiner hole was an inch and a half dilated when his groin exploded.
That's why I taught you to call him Pop.
You survived. You were 10 pounds, 7 ounces of screaming babe. My little miracle. I miss your father every day. I hope you understand that I only lied to protect you. And now you know the truth. Again, I am really very sorry.
Wow, look at me crying like a sap. You go on to Rutgers, now, and hit those books. Love you!
J-Dubs set up his aquarium in our dining room. It's sweet. Twinkly and sparkly, with cool rocks and wavy reeds and silver fishies with orange fins, and a sucker and some other prehistoric-looking little dude.
They're running out of food, so J found a site based in Cali that sells what he needs called MarineDepot.com.
This is the order confirmation/shipping notice he received the other day. Suffice to say, we will not be buying anything fish- or tank-related from anyone else ever.
*****
Good news, JOSEPH!
Your aquarium supplies have been carefully picked from Marine Depot's shelves like delicate berries and placed into a wicker basket lined with unicorn fur. With the grace of a ballerina, we tiptoed them to our packing station where Santa's Elves—who work with us during their off-season—prepared your order for shipment.
Your products were methodically placed in each box using techniques taught to us by a former Tetris World Champion. Using a pair of tweezers, we placed hundreds of packing peanuts one-by-one into every nook and cranny to ensure safe transport. We are proud to share with you that our packing peanuts are reusable, recyclable, biodegradable and made using 100% recycled content. They also do not trigger peanut allergies. Eat your heart out, Mr. Peanut.
Saying goodbye to such sought-after products is always gut-wrenching. That is why we offer employees unlimited handkerchiefs as a part of our generous benefits package. As your order was whisked away at light speed down our assembly line into the loving arms of the shipping courier, our warehouse elves, with tears in their eyes, joined hands and whispered, "Jábba sô kalîk qonay." We don't speak Elvish ourselves, but they tell us the rough translation is "May these supplies bring stability and success to the aquarium and its owner." Wow, we are getting a little choked up ourselves now. Thanks, elves.
As the delivery truck pulled away from our warehouse dock, a rare double rainbow appeared overhead. That's when we knew the products we had raised since they were mere hatchlings were on their way to a better home. Please take care of them and, we promise, they will take care of you.
With sincere appreciation,
The MarineDepot.com Family
*****
From: Joe
Date: Tue, Apr 17, 2012 at 12:22 PM
Subject: RE: Your Order Has Shipped
To: "MarineDepot.com" <customercare@marinedepot.com>
Please please please, don't be sad. These aquarium supplies are going to make my fish so happy.
Keep this on the down-low, but I too have elves. These elves were banished from the North Pole during the labor fiasco of the mid-sixties. They don't talk about it, but something to do with three strikes and you're out drug test policy.
They stay in the shed out back when they are not attending to the fish and the tank, smells a bit dank back there in the shed but who am I, Santa?
They wanted to pass along a message to their brothers from the North summering on the Left Coast, "Lye an ten' Ened-Kemen, rato lye alye'." Something about missing Middle-Earth and someday being reunited. Now I'm tearing up, please send handkerchiefs.
Having trouble understanding your taxes? Just translate the instructions for your 1040EZ form into plain Dinglish!
Combat pay, nontaxable.
If y'allz jamwere a WHOODAT-member of dem U.S. Armed Forces who SERVED in a saucecombat zone, whooptycertain pay is efribletz from YA INCOME. Yunz can elect ta whoopa-include thiz groovepay in YO' earned wuffoincome when figuring tha EIC.
Tha AMOUNTBIZNIZ of yo' janglynontaxable combat WHYZZIT-PAY should be sauceshown in box 12 OF Form(s) W-2 with CODBUCKETZ.
If you ever felt like a fucking loser in high school because the cool kids used you as someone to push around and treat like shit to make them feel better about themselves, watch and laugh and sing along.
I'm the One that's Cool
The Guild
directed by Jed Whedon
music by Jed Whedon
lyrics by Felicia Day [pretty redhead geek with the mic] and Jed Whedon
Oh, no. Don’t pretend I didn’t see
You roll your eyes at my gaming tee
Don’t know if you can read or if you’ve seen
The sweet piece in this week’s Wired magazine
The latest trend has hit its peak
They say that geek’s becomin’ chic
So now you’re out of style as you can be
And I’m in vogue, so you can bite me
To all the asshat jocks who beat me up in school
Now I’m the one that’s cool
I’m the one that’s cool
To all the prom queen bitches thinking they still rule
Now I’m the one that’s cool
I’m the one that’s cool
Try to cop my style but I’m the real thing
While you played sports, I played Magic the Gathering
Never earned a part of nerd society
My Aquaman pajamas prove my pedigree
Watched my Next Gen every night
Wore a headgear to fix my overbite
Your black-rimmed glasses are prescription free, where as me
I literally can’t see my hand in front of my face
To all the asshat jocks who beat me up in school
Now I’m the one that’s cool
I’m the one that’s cool
To all the prom queen bitches thinking they still rule
Now I’m the one that’s cool
I’m the one that’s cool
And to my eighth-grade crush who pushed me in the pool
Now I’m the one that’s cool
I’m the one that’s cool
You may be tan and fit and rich but you’re a tool
And I’m the one that’s cool
I’m the one that’s cool
Role reversal must be a total drag
But there’s no point, no point for me to humblebrag
I appreciate you for being cruel
I’m burning bright thanks to your rejection fuel
Got my in jokes you won’t get
Like Honey Badger, Troll Face and Nyan Cat
So now your ballin’ parties seem so dumb
You can Evite me, and I’ll say yes, but I won’t really come
Got my comics
Got my games
All the things you thought were lame
Got my cosplay
Fanfic too
Got you pegged
STF-You
According to physics, there's an infinite number universe in which my NCAA bracket is doing better. Also, UW made the playoffs in most of these universes.
When W. was in office, I always had such a gross feeling in my stomach that everyone in the Middle East, Africa, France, Gitmo, etc., would just assume that whatever he said also went for me.
Alas, I am not a provincial wingnut or afraid of brown people. And it pissed me off so hard that some kid in Morocco would catch a bit of C-SPAN and think, Damn, Americans are fucking assholes, right? What a bag of dicks.
I'm not a bag of dicks, I'm completely awesome. I'll lend you my bike, make you lunch, let you nap with my stuffed red fox, Fantastic Underpants, go to awkward family events with you for moral support and generally be a good friend under 93 percent of circumstances. To pretty much everybody, wherever you're from.
Listening to Netanyahu rattle his saber for the last year about how he's going to take down Iran has made me feel bad for moderate Israelis and Palestinians who watched the Arab Spring on tv, and out their windows, and want no part in bombing the f out of a country half populated by people who hate Ahmadinejad, hate the social bullshit of the ruling class and want jobs, education and civil liberties like other people do.
I read an article ages ago about an Israeli kid who was saved by the implantation of the heart of a Palestinian kid who had died. The Israeli parents reached out to the Palestinian family to tell them how grateful they are for the life of their son and how they wanted, if that was cool, to mourn with them the death of their son. They visited the grave site together and have since shared holidays and meals at each other's tables. I kinda always suspected that was the case in more of Israel and Palestine than the press, AIPAC and Benji the Threatener wants the general public to believe.
New favorite meme, from Paul Mutter @mondoweiss.com:
Two Israeli artists, Ronnie Adri and Michal Tamir, have come up with a Facebook campaign called "Israel Loves Iran" intended to "humanize" the Israeli people for Iranian Facebook users and express opposition to the government's war talk.
Coverage of the meme has expanded to other popular news sites in both the U.S. and Israel. Apparently, it is eliciting responses from Iranians along the same lines, which considering the dangers of self-expression on the internet in Iran, is saying something.
The two artists provide a free translation and formatting service for anyone who is interested. All of the photos generally follow this formula:
Iranians (/Israelis)
We Will Never Bomb You
We You
With a picture of, say, a smiling couple or a brace of chubby toddlers. Or, sometimes, cultural icons such as statues of Moses or Cyrus the Great and synagogues and mosques:
