What with all the Thanksgiving cheer and Movember merriness, I thought it was high time to stir things up a little here at the 2log. Hence, allow me to share my hatred of nature's foulest creatures, a threat to our national security and an insult to all beings with eyes. I speak, of course, of the bunny rabbit.
I would just love to drop the proverbial hammer on all the bunnies that have invaded our planet. It is a rarely known fact that rabbits, or wabbits, are actually mutant lizards that glue fur to themselves to lure in cute little mice and tweety birds before killing them in cold blood. If you are still not convinced, allow me to quote from the Bible:
The rabbit, though it is bringing up the cud, yet the hoof it divideth not -- unclean it is to you.
Leviticus 11:5
So you see, bunnies are not only dangerous and an affront to humanity, but they apparently do not bathe as well. That is why I'm asking you to join me in ridding our precious earth of this cursed beast.
I found this interesting... scientists have found a species of ant that defends itself by having a couple members of the colony stay behind every night to seal up the entrance. Most of them die.
It's the first time scientists have noted preemptive suicidal behavior among social insects. Many species are willing to commit suicide themselves in response to an enemy attack, but few have it structured into their routine.
Is this an example of animal behavior that humans mimc? We certainly have heroic members of our population who voluntarily sacrifice their lives in wartime, but not for the purposes of making our infrastructure stronger. Many of us can probably imagine people who should off themselves to better the human race. Could we actually imagine any of them voluntarily improving humanity by trotting down to the landfill and having rough sex with a pile of barbed wire?
I suppose a lot of over-medicated teens claim in their suicide notes that they swallowed the syringes because they think the world would be better off without them, but that's just excuses. If you rationally looked at things and realized we could curb inflation by hopping out a fifteenth floor window, would you do it?
The internet is a great resource, especially for kids. Where else could they find pornography, instructions for making bombs, and celebrity gossip so readily? (Well, there is the new BBBC channel - Babes, Boobs, Bombs and Celebrities - a joint venture by Hustler, E! and Al-Qaeda, but that's only for premium cable subscribers).
Anyway, let kids be kids, I say, and in that spirit, what's more childlike, endearing, and emotionally scarring than school pranks? In case the bullies in you particular neck of the woods are tired of waterboarding the neighbor's cat (or bunny), why not direct them to wikipedia's useful List of School Pranks? All your old favorites are here, from Indian Burns and Titty Twisters to Spitballs, Wedgies, and Wet Williams. This new generation of kids might not know old classics like Nuggeting, Noogies, Hertz Doughnuts, and the simple but effective Pantsing - now's the chance to reintroduce them to these forgotten classics.
Extremely Wet Willy - Hey Kids, Try This at home!
Best of all, The internet has truly made our world into a global village, so we can learn variations and pranks popular in other cultures. For Example, little Timmy, while those kids from ninth grade stick your head in the toilet and flush repeatedly, you can notify them that this familiar Swirlie is known as Bogwashing in the UK, and Dunnyflushing in Australia, and I'm sure they would be most appreciative if you also taught them about the Yellow Swirlie, or the Chunky Swirlie.
If there is one prank I hope becomes widespread among the world's youth, it is the popular Japanese prank Kancho, which is performed by "clasping the hands together so the index fingers are pointing out and attempting to insert them sharply into someone's anal region when the victim is not looking." This is usually accompanied by a gleefully shouted "Kan-CHO," which means enema in Japanese. This prank is so popular in Japan that they have a TV show where a man goes out and Kanchos unsuspecting strangers, as well as a video game called Boong-Ga Boong-Ga where you alternately spank and Kancho a large virtual ass to gain points and worldwide fame.
I'm sure you've all heard about the 14 horses that died just before a polo match in Florida. I don't know if this was in protest over not getting a makeover, as some horses received according to Candice's recent
exposé, or perhaps because they mistook Polo for Polio (horses are notoriously bad spellers), but at any rate, this cruel and unusual sport shouldn't end just because horses are unreliable, so here are a few alternatives:
The winner of last week's contest is Ted Stevens, mostly because he promised that in exchange for winning he would vote in favor of Anti-bunny legislation (taxing carrots, a moratorium on nose-wriggling for more than 20 consecutive seconds, et cetera).
This week on our Car2oon Caption Contest you are faced with a serious challenge as we revisit an old classic:
You should all congratulate him and celebrate by treating yourself to a hearty rabbit stew (but be careful, both Rabbit Starvation and Rabbit Fever are real concerns).
And in case you've forgotten how terrible rabbits can be, please direct your attention to the following documentary:
