Life in New York is awfully gritty.  Look at the terror that makes the local papers:

It seems that in the rough-and-tumble urban 'hood of Park Slope, area Moms are sufficiently petrified of crossing the street that it warranted a 72-pt headline in the local tabloid.

In case you're understandably too afraid to read the article yourself, the writer describes the harrowing tale of Joanna Smith, a local mother forced to keep her three-year-old child confined to a stroller, because "the crosswalks are not properly painted."

Gary Buiso (*cough cough Pulitzer*) expertly captures the bone-chilling fear:

For Smith, taking Wyatt and her other son to a nearby park can be a long day’s journey into fright.

Indeed, in the past five years, this macabre intersection has witnessed five injuries and no fatalities.  Yet the local police inexplicably do nothing.  In this bloggers opinion, this reeks of MASSIVE GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY.  Thankfully, this local newspaper has survived the economic crunch, otherwise we wouldn't have such top-notch local investigative journalism.

I know times is tough, Joanna.  If you have any strength left, just keep on keepin' on.

"How far high failure overleaps the bounds of low success." -- Lewis Morris

Now that newspapers are a thing of the past, I have some suggestions for comic strips looking to make the transition to the internet.  Examining the success of Garfield Minus Garfield, I've deduced that paper comics have the greatest success when comic strips employ MATHS.  So here's some other mathematically inspired comic strips:

π-Nuts

Lola Factorial

Cross Product: [Arlo, Janis] x [Frank, Ernest]

Boondocks Minus Race

Any others I should add...?

Freed Journalist Laura Ling getting excited about the new Guitar Hero playlist

I have many questions about Current TV journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling who "accidentally" wandered into North Korea, got arrested, and then were freed.  First off... how does somebody "accidentally" wander over the most heavily armed and patrolled border in the world?  Second of all, was anybody else surprised to learn that Current TV actually exists outside Al Gore's overactive imagination?  Cause I'm pretty sure I've never seen it on actual TV.  Nor have I heard anybody reference it in real life, despite the fact it was supposed to appeal to my demographic of lefties between the age of 18 and 34.  Of course, so was the Honda Element, and I'm pretty sure that's fake too.

An artist's rendition of the fabled Honda Element

 Anyhow, I've decided to put aside these questions and join in the celebration over the fact that Bill Clinton rescued these two ladies:

Bill: "Hey Kim, this is fun and all, but I was promised there would be two young women in handcuffs waiting for me"

According to the New York Times, word of Clinton's visit received second billing that night in North Korea's official news source, after a report about the improving quality of biscuits in a local factory.

Fresher biscuits: Could this be the scoop Lee and Ling were pursuing in North Korea?

I went to the North Korean propaganda outlet's website to try and find news of this biscuit factory, but alas, the story was nowhere to be found.  As it turns out, this site is the most hilarious self-parody of itself.  I could spend hours here.  Some of the highlights:

• An actual article headline: "Reception Given."  An actual quote from the article: "Speeches were made there."  Punch was served!
• They chide South Korea's human rights record.
• From a lifestyle feature on the importance of preserving national character: "If one lacks national pride and self-esteem, one will lose the spirit of national independence. In that case one will fail to preserve the Juche character and national character and allow oneself to be subject to outside forces, in the long run."
• And, perhaps my favorite, an article called "Meticulous Parental Care" recalling the popular North Korean tale of an autumn day in 1979 when Kim Jong Il stopped off at a cabbage field, saw some cabbages growing there, and recommended to the farmers that they harvest them.  Instead of saying, "No sheisse, Sherlock," they reacted:
  

  The officials were deeply touched by the meticulous care shown by him for the dietary life of the people on his journey of pressing field guidance.  His affection for the people was not confined to it. A few days later he again detrained at a station on his way of coming back from the field guidance to acquaint himself with the cabbage harvest.
  
  The meticulous care shown by the leader for winter kimchi is still conveyed as an epic of great love.
  

How romantic

So, the Huffington Post ("HuffPo" for those in the know, or lazy about key strokes), had some hard-hitting reportage this week.

"The 9 Grossest Kinds of Candy No Adult Should Give Out on Halloween"

They got all web 2.0 up on this story with a slideshow and a poll. Facebook is all a twitter and Twitter is all a tizzy with this story, perhaps.

But, they got at least one thing critically wrong...they listed candy corn pumpkins as one of the worst!

They are clearly idiots who have never appreciated the candy corn experience.

From the first crack of the sugary shell to the squish of the supple sugary filling.  The shades of the orange and green food coloring dance through my dreams each fall as candy corn season draws near.

Mmmm.

In addition to this editorial offense, the HuffPo readers are inept too.  Here's one fool's comment:

And I'm nervous that gum drops have been slandered!

Thankfully, HuffPo readers do stick up for the much maligned licorice:

Thanks, Numskll :)

This past spring, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer newspaper closed its doors after 146 years.  Reporters covering the death of the media swarmed.  Journalists wept and pouted and all that stuff. 

Now, the paper has been reincarnated on stage as "It's Not in the P-I: A Living Newspaper about a Dying Newspaper."  As an article in the Seattle Stranger explains, "The irony of one mortally wounded industry (theater) reporting on the death of another (journalism) isn't lost on anyone."

About the founding, "The project was born in a bar, where Mullin (who won last year's Stranger Genius Award for theater) and Paulson were holding a two-man pity party. "Paul and I were drinking beer one night," Paulson says. "And I was complaining about the death of the P-I. And Paul said: 'Fuck you, man. You think you've got it tough? I'm a playwright.'" They talked about their dire vocations and the idea—half comic, half tragic—of people turning to theater to learn about current events."

Will two failures make a success? 

Of course, there's a (Facebook) app for all this too "Worthless Gifts for Print Veterans"

I've been meaning to read the Esquire magazine story about Jay-Z.  After all, I think Jay-Z and I could be friends.  I've sung 99-Problems at karaoke more than once, and I hung out with him at City Hall.  

I haven't yet read the article, but thanks to Slate, maybe I don't have to. 

They put together The Unbelievably Bad Metaphors in Esquire's Profile of Jay-Z.

Here're a couple:

2. "He sits down in his hard-backed chair and the reporters collect around him in a buttery little square. But Jay-Z doesn't really sit. What he actually does is slalom down in his chair, real low like it's a water slide. Seventy-three inches of all-black everything, laid out like a ramp."

6. "He's black and also liquid-shiny like the mimetic shape-shifting bad guy in Terminator 2. He's real deal-eyed, and what first comes off as arrogance you realize later is sentience, with an extra side of arrogance. He's wily as hell, plus hyper-protective and defensive of his products, both intellectual and carbon-based."

12. "It's Jay-Z alone who owns that power in hip-hop; 50 Cent or Nas would not look good at President Clinton's ear. If one of them had walked into that chamber at the Plaza and said, 'Hey, fuck shit,' the laughter that reverberated off the golden tassels would not have rung so loud and so careless. It would have dribbled out a little bit nervously, more like an accidental peeing in one's pants than a sure and expected stream."

When will this writing appear on Twhiter?

You're welcome

This popped up on the NYT site the other day.

Shocked?  Right. 

Looking at the breakdown, I'm more interested in the fact that it looks like you have to make at least $60,000 to be as well rested as the rest of the country.  Also, the gap between tired men and women is pretty large (26% vs. 33%), and means that women are all more tired than average, whether or not there were kids in the house.

The blog post also neglects to mention the survey's other findings that those who are more well rested were also more likely to answer that they felt they were "thriving" (rather than "struggling" or "suffering").

I'd write more, but now I'm sleepy.

Awww... isn't that cute?  The Park Slope Courier again has its finger on the pulse of the nabe:

Awww... a raccoon is having babies.  Isn't that precious, and clearly worthy of a 125 point headline.  I hope the raccoon gave birth before 5 pm.  Lemme just unfold it to read the heartwarming details, and YEEEEEEEEEEGADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MY REALITY REMAINS ONE OF ABJECT FEAR!!!!!

Kids!  How can you smile at a time like this.  Sled faster, for you know not what unholy danger lurks behind!  

This rabid raccoon is even scarier than that time you had to cross the intersection.