Having successfully dug my way through the humanity into the basement of the Port Authority Bus Terminal, I made the acquaintance of a Ghanian lady who had paid twice the fare I did for a roundtrip ticket to D.C. and back. She ate an orange whilst I sweated in my woolen overcoat, and we marveled at the line for the bus, which wrapped around the entire perimeter of the basement room. The snack stand, predictably, was shuttered.

Once on board, the bus driver made a humble request in his thick eastern-European accent: "Please to not alcohols. Also, is holiday. Is traffic, we probably late. Please don't mind."

It seems there will be no free movies on this bus, but no matter. There are so many buses rolling south on 95 right now, I've been able to catch 30 seconds of a different movie every few minutes when one passes us.

Now, I have no idea what's going on in any of these movies, as I can't hear them. So, with that as a caveat, here are the plot summaries of everything I've seen thus far...

"Angst & Stocking Caps"-a man with a goatee sits at an outdoor cafe with his girlfriend. They are angry at each other. So angry...and yet, so in love.

"Am I Santa Claus, or a Benevolent Hobo?"-it's tough to tell without the sound.

"The Scrolling of the Text"-theoretically, this text conveys information regarding the plot and characters of the film.

Our bus driver keeps doing this thing where every time we come up to a rest stop, he merges onto the exit ramp. Then, instead of pulling into the parking lot, he swerves left, blows past the gas pumps and back onto the highway.

I have no idea why he is doing this, but it's damned annoying for those of us in need of cheeseburgers.

Our bus driver keeps doing this thing where every time we come up to a rest stop, he merges onto the exit ramp. Then, instead of pulling into the parking lot, he swerves left, blows past the gas pumps and back onto the highway.

I have no idea why he is doing this, but it's damned annoying for those of us in need of cheeseburgers.

What, you've never accidentally hit "publish" before you thought of a title? Well, excuuuuuuuse me.

I really need a damn cheeseburger.

Ruin my Xmas, will you? That's what YOU think. For Starbuck's has owned you all, as is its wont.

Those who live in New York are well acquainted with the wince of pain uttered in sequence in the morning rush line at the 'Buck, as person after person realizes they've just paid $1.90 for twelve ounces of coffee.

Here in my ancestral Virginia, however, all rejoice, for it is not so! The same size cup goes for only $1.71 in these parts.

Would that I had a bit more time during my visit here, and a squinch more engineering expertise! Then I would use my spare 19 cents to purchase the ashes of a post-blend iPhone, extract it's vital chemical components, and utilize them to build not just a new iPhone, but a robotic cell phone capable of driving to each of your houses in a single night to administer sucker punches and candy canes.

Instead, however, I shall seethe quietly whilst those around me revel in the holiday spirit, jingling my dime, nickel, and pennies in my pocket, yearning for revenge...