Tonight in television's finest mergers

Tonight's Episode: Divorced Don Draper moves in with Charlie Sheen.  After having to spend just half an hour watching Sheen's antics, Draper swears off infidelity and alcoholism.

Tonight in television's finest mergers

MODERN FAMILY GUY

ACT I SCENE I

INTERIOR: Peter and Lois on the couch addressing the confessional camera

PETER: So, my new MacBook Air just arrived.

LOIS: PETER's only had it for a day, and he's obsessed.  I have to admit, it's pretty amazing.  How do they cram so much computing power into such a sleek design?

PETER: Those engineers at Apple sure are crazy.  Almost as crazy as my last fantasy baseball draft. 

FLASHBACK: PETER at a fantasy baseball draft

PETER: Wow, it's crazy that Albert Pujols is still available in my Yahoo! fantasy baseball league.  I'll take him.

QUAGMIRE: That sure is crazy.  Here, have a Mike's Hard Lemonade.

PETER: Thanks Quagmire.  

QUAGMIRE hands PETER a Mike's Hard Lemonade.  It slips in PETER's hands and he juggles it briefly before spilling it all over himself.

PETER: Whoa, I spilled it.  This is getting very crazy!

INTERIOR: Present day

LOIS: Thank goodness that craziness is over.

PETER: Compared to that wildness, it makes raising three kids seems almost easy.  Am I right?

MEG walks into the room

MEG: Mom, Dad!  Good news.  CHRIS finally fixed that wobbly table.  He found this thin grey slab to put under the legs.

PETER: Oh no, my Macbook Air!

Camera freezes on PETER's look of consternation.  Opening credits roll.

Tonight in television's finest mergers... 

Tonight's episode: Umm, I've never actually watched either show, so I'm not sure how best to make fun of them. Probably something involving Tyler Perry's cheesy religious melodrama and the fact that every episode of House has basically the same plot. Supply your own punchline in the comments.

Also, am I the only one who thinks this photo makes Hugh Laurie look like a character from an early Transformers cartoon?

Give me the good old days when he looked like this:

Tonight in television's finest mergers...

South Parks and Recreation

Act I, Scene I
INTERIOR: AZIZ ANSARI and AMY POEHLER in the main office sitting at a table.

AZIZ ANSARI: Up yours, boss lady!  

AMY POEHLER:  How dare you speak that way to a government employee!  That is insubordination. Or worse, high treason and terrorism.  What is it with you g--d---'ed Muslims always trying to destroy our government!

AZIZ ANSARI: Um, I meant I up your wager.  Remember, we're playing poker?

AMY POEHLER:  Oh right, the card game.  I fold.

AZIZ ANSARI: What the f--- is wrong with you, b----?  How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not a f---in' Muslim.

AMY POEHLER:  Oh.  Well then shut up, Jew.

[INTERN enters]

INTERN: Hey everybody, whatcha doing?

AMY POEHLER: Playing poker.  You wanna join?

INTERN: You know gambling's illegal?

AMY POEHLER: OH NO, REALLY!?!?!

[AMY POEHLER goes into an apoplectic rage and beats INTERN to death with a fire extinguisher.]

AZIZ ANSARI: Oh my God, you killed Aubrey!

RON SWANSON (offstage): You bastard.

AMY POEHLER: You know what, I learned something today.  Every now and then terrorist Jews will attack our freedom to gamble.  When that happens, sometimes an intern has to die.

RON SWANSON (offstage): You're all fired.

Tonight in television's finest mergers...

Pilot episode: While pursuing some illegal Mexican immigrants, mild-mannered CIA agent Stan Smith is involved in a bizarre accident at a Red Hots factory and becomes a half-man/half-spicy-confection super-being Atomic Fireball Man with all the power of cinnamon, corn syrup, and wax rolled into one. To avoid lawsuits and embarrassment, the CIA ships him off to India, to protect the valuable property of outsourced American companies from lazy and mischievous workers who get paid $5 a year.

 If you can't beat the vampire mashup craze, join it.

And there's no classier vampire than The Late Gatsby. So download it to your kindle, read it, and then, what the hell, download it again.

Note - since copyright laws in the U.S. are notoriously strict (see: The Mickey Mouse Protection Act) it is the only country in the world (!) where The Great Gatsby is still protected by copyright, so this book may only be purchased outside of the United States. Time to call up your foreign friends (Including me, if we're friends).

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