Need cash quick?  Here's some despicable sales tactics culled from real life headlines.*

1. Troy Poughkeepsie of Pottawattamie, Iowa married Albany Syracuse in order to earn her trust.  After convincing her to purchase a novelty ice cream scoop, Troy pocketed his $.30 in commission and disappeared into the night to find another sucker on whom to repeat the scam.
2. Tina Dickweed of the Southeast Ypsilanti McDonalds convinced a fat customer to super-size his meal by smiling at him, even though she was born without emotions and does not understand the actual value of a smile.
3. The East India Trading Company forced the dodo bird into extinction, then disbanded  into several subsidiary "dodo commemorative plate" shops.
4. Brutus Punchenheimer sold Myron Nerdleton a "not getting your face kicked in" in exchange for "all your lunch money."  This was widely considered unethical because Myron paid but never received his "not getting your face kicked in."
5. Urrr the Cavewoman sold cave insurance policies to Triceratops, even though Urr the Cavewoman did not understand the meaning of the word "cave insurance." 
6. God and her priestly cohorts have reaped tons of money from the marriage industry simply by creating a species hardwired to pursue monogamous relationships.  The especially nefarious part is her foreknowledge that the wiring was faulty and in most cases the marriages were destined to fail and/or cause misery in one or both parties.
7. Major investment banks like Goldman Sachs made billions of dollars by peddling faulty business deals to the rich and the poor alike, collapsing the global economy, and shaking down taxpayers in the form of a bailout.  This is awesome, and the only item on this list you should try at home.
8. Professor Doomsday, the evil mastermind behind the sinking of Udwajala Island and Auckland's dreaded spork rain, made millions selling an antidote to "Death Flu," even though he never bothered to engineer the supervirus in the first place.
9. Previous generations sold themselves on investing in the potential of their children, then screwed themselves by raising their kids to be rotund, helpless pukes.

To get more of these, put $1000 in unmarked, non-consecutive bills in an envelope and give it to me.

* My imagination