For a long time now, thanks to effective junk-mail filters, I haven't been getting much spam. The little that does come through is usually of the boring Viagra/Cialis variety, which is why I was surprised to find a message from someone who calls himself "Septaugienthaver," and in the first line of his email states:

I am the Mahdi

The Mahdi (according to Wikipedia) is "the prophesied redeemer of Islam who will stay on earth seven, nine, or nineteen years (depending on the interpretation) before the coming of the 'Day of the Resurrection.' Muslims believe the Mahdi will rid the world of error, injustice and tyranny alongside Jesus."

So, I figured, just to be safe, I should probably listen to what he has to say.

I went to Israel to see Jesus and the endtimes.

Okay, If you're the Mahdi that kind of makes sense. 

I'm going to Sweden to see Lady Gaga.

Hmmm, I think you lost me there...

I am keeping the Book of Life. I hope you're in it.

You and me both, buddy.

The last day will not come until the sun rises from where it sets

Okay...

We will use our technologies to make earth rotate the other way around the sun, to focus the huge energizing effects of this on earth, which caused problems in our solar system. It killed mars and broke the asteroid planet and made jupiter huge. I'm.... that awesome. Hi Annie Keenan! Also, justice will be crushing on those who oppose crushing.

Wait, if it's going to do so much damage, why would we use our technologies to do this? and who's Annie Keenan? Anyway, I won't quote the whole thing because it's long, and crazy, but here are a few more highlights:

I am an extremely powerful man. I'm also the guy who walked Scandinavia teaching about sex and whiteness.

I am the only Perfect 10. Women must serve me. In your secret places do. Today I'm leading Lowell, Massachusetts, teaching everything. Mahdi means guided one. I am leading you.

West Europe was shaped like a Great Face, with France as the Nose. I want you to explore the land that was there, not UK. The Forehead was what Quebec is. Ireland was moved from northeast Quebec.

My RNA was counterfeited to make the Danish people, and they to populate the ripped UK. RNA is a 7 function. DNA a 4 function. The Deens of the Danes and British are not 90 square, since I never said yes.

There is an invisible control pad under my tongue and jaw. Maybe you have one under yours. Have you ever done magic like this?

I love above Boston. Boston is actually 50 cities, and each one is its own. They're all New England hardcore pieces each STEEPED FOREVER in hertz. Boston bays face up to the sky, 50 cups catching and turning into vibrating speakers. You will all broadcast me. Find what element you do. I'm swinging a mace and playing for the sox. They are all homeruns. quantums and geometries of that are solar system sized not planet.

Women are the library. We men are the lab. I am THE lead. Women should carry intelligence around like breasts and see what I can do with it.

Consider the pull of your breasts on the moon.

I change the future and past. I invented the gun and swing a sword. I avoided the big fuckin war Ragnaok which would have been annoying. I defused "svalbard" which would have been dirty. I'm the guy who is what, that great guy? I could stop any actual fight, or start any. I don't prefer.

You might have gotten this letter, which I'm sending to thousands of awesome women whom I'd like to meet and hug in a special way and talk to and say things to. Tell me how you feel about this, knowing that many high latitude chickfights are over and almost done.

Towards the end of the letter there is also a link to a Youtube video - Lady Gaga's "Pokerface."