The innocuous apple: Nature's medicine. They say that a single one of these puppies* will keep the doctor at bay. I know why that is. At the end of medical school, all doctors are forced to spend one night loitering at a haunted fruit stand. Many of these brave souls are bitten by the dreaded Pearwolf, the mythical yet still very real half-pear half-wolf. The resulting curse renders the doctor intolerant of apples and their shenanigans. intolerant to apples.
But don't believe me, read all of the books and you'll see that I'm right. One of them backs me up, but I won't tell you which one.
Yet still, my inquisitive mind had questions. Burning questions. A burning question. One single scorching question. The surface of the sun of questions:
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what do I get if I bring a whole bag to his office and peg him repeatedly with apples?
Never a dead beat, I beat it straight to the street to take the pulse of anyone who would listen. Let's see what they had to say...
Me: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what do I get if I bring a whole bag to his office and peg him repeatedly with apples?
C: I'm guessing he'd still stay away, but you'd be a lot closer to his attorney.
Me: Good point. I'd better bring two bags.
Me: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what do I get if I bring a whole bag to his office and peg him repeatedly with apples?
K: You proactively cure yourself of any flus.
Me: Ah! What if I bring a bag of pigs instead and throw pigs at him?
K: You might increase your chances of swine flu instead.
Me: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what do I get if I bring a whole bag to his office and peg him repeatedly with apples?
S: Neck surgery. Involuntary neck surgery.
Me: I know a place on Hollywood Boulevard...
S: Get out!
Stay tuned for more updates about how to alienate and annoy people.
*Apples.
