I have an announcement to make: It's America's most special once-a-century event, not to mention that this is the first time the event will be celebrated. It's 90210 Day! That is, 9/02/10, or September 2nd, 2010.
Today, I encourage all of you to make out with your best friend's significant other, drive around in a convertible while your hair whips in the wind, and make sure to wear something that looks like any of these outfits:
Peoples! Gitcherselves good AND ready, for the arrival of the Great Dane is imminent:
I'm talkin' 'bout Dana guest 2loggin' up in this BIZNASTY.
Yep, yep--you need to WATCH THE EFF OUT, if you please. Dana, when not destroying your face with whizbang 2loggery the likes of which you have not yet experienced, she is makin' films of the awesome variety with her production company, Where's My Sled Productions, where she just completed writing, directing, and editing Triptych, in which I had the good fortune to perform. She is also one of the masterminds behind Sarah's View, the Twitter sensation that was almost too hot for America to handle.
[An outdoor bar in Toronto's Kensington Market neighborhood. Couples and friends in their late 20's and early 30's are seated in the patio, drinking, talking, and smoking. American tourists CANDICE and DANA are enjoying alcoholic beverages. After a long day of travel, CANDICE lights a cigarette. HOMELY MAN approaches CANDICE.]
HOMELY MAN:
Excuse me, can I have a cigarette please?
CANDICE:
(Reluctantly)
Sure.
(Glances at DANA)
HOMELY MAN:
I promise I'll get you back.
CANDICE:
Oh, that's no problem.
(Glances at DANA again.)
HOMELY MAN:
(Points to cigarettes.)
Hey, what kind of cigarettes are these?
CANDICE:
These are American Spirits. They're light.
(Hands HOMELY MAN a cigarette. DANA lights his cigarette. CANDICE cringes as she notices that HOMELY MAN'S hands and fingernails are covered in filth.)
HOMELY MAN:
(Inspects cigarette closely.)
Is it good inside?
CANDICE:
(Glances at DANA, who is restraining a laugh.)
Um, yeah, they're good inside. I mean, I like them.
HOMELY MAN:
Alright, well thank you.
(Homely man walks away).
DANA:
That was so weird!
CANDICE:
I know! What does he mean, "Are they good inside?" What am I supposed to say? "Oh, they're filled with chocolate!"
(CANDICE and DANA laugh).
HOMELY MAN:
(Comes back to the table. He is removing the cigarette from his mouth.)
Actually, I don't like these. But thanks.
(He flicks the cigarette into the ashtray and walks away.CANDICE and DANA exchange confused looks.)
Of course you are, you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't.
So what you have to do now is go on over to Facebook (don't pretend you're not on it, you're not fooling anyone) and, since there's no "Love" button, click "Like," and tell all your friends to do the same.
(We will also be accepting virgin sacrifices, though that doesn't really apply to you or any of your FB friends since we've seen the photo albums and know you're all sluts).
By the way, you are following us on Twitter, right?
An enormous and impassioned crowd rallied at the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on Saturday, summoned by Glenn Beck, a conservative broadcaster who called for a religious rebirth in America at the site where the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his famous “I Have a Dream” speech 47 years ago to the day. Since the event was announced Dr. King has been consistently turning in his tomb so rapidly that there are now plans to connect him to an electric generator which could, according to experts, provide enough electricity to power Atlanta International Airport for the foreseeable future.
“Something that is beyond man is happening,” Mr. Beck said in opening the event as the crowd thronged near the memorial grounds. “America today begins to turn back to God.” He then aimed his AK-47 at the crowd and shouted, "GO TO GOD, BE WITH GOD," while spraying a hail of bullets into the assembled crowd, which continued cheering as Mr. Beck laughed maniacally, shooting and reloading, until every last one of them was dead. 2008 Republican vice-presidential candidate and former Alaska governor Sarah Palin was on stage as well, reportedly encouraging Beck when his arm got tired, "don't retreat, reload."
CIA and FBI officials maintain that they were fully aware of what was going to transpire but claimed that, "Honestly, we don't think anyone who was there would be missed. The nation's insane asylums are already packed." As of the printing of this article, no comment was made on the matter by God, or by his duly-appointed earthly representative, Christopher Hitchens.
Didyou know the origin of some of your favorite brand names? I do!
Company
Etymology
So named because diminuitive founder Jeff Bezos is secretly a seven foot tall female warrior.
It is the very standard of a modern Meijer general store.
All male executives have their testes (aka their ManSachs) replaced with nuggets of solid gold. Female executives have their... sorry, we can't reprint it here, as this is a family 2log.
Their original business model was shipping poisonous food to your ex-boyfriend so he'd curl up and die. They experimented with changing their name briefly to "DeadEx.." They also once spun off Exxon, which arranged for hot petroleum to "accidentally" be spilled over hated ex-boyfriends. In the 80s they moved to more general field of package delivery.
British colloqualism. Roughly translated into English, it means "Well lookee over that hill, here comes, Miffy McGoolin, that dunderheaded tree-killing quack. Let's say nice things to his face."
Originally a small family operated factory in Cheesequake, NJ, which manufactured land mines, potash based condiments, and butt plugs.
In loving memory of John Forbes Kerry. Once he dies.
