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The Novel Heard 'round the World, Page 2
Posted by DJ Flav at 2012-09-23 20:00:25

In lieu of editing my bunny post--as I wish to preserve it for posterity in its infamous original form--I hereby submit the following sincere apology, as per the request of "ZergKing." It comes in the form of the second page of a "novel heard 'round the world," devised by the ingenious Redleg (of the Enola Redlegs). Check out the rules, read page 1, then feel free to add your own page to the mix, whether it continues from mine as page 3, or goes in a different direction as another page 2. The more people are involved, the more fun the project becomes.

The Rules (

Page 1 (

Page 2 (




“... I was reading a shitty novel called ‘Cemetery Tulip.’ The author was a high school friend of mine named Steuben Kobayashi. Being of Japanese descent, old Steuby used to bring a bento box to lunch every day at school.”


She interrupted him. “A bento box is a thing? What the hell is a bento box?”


“Oh, it’s like a little lunch box with rice, maybe some fish, and some vegetables...” Here McGillicuddy paused to hack up a lung.


A comforting hand nestled his shoulder as his confidante asked, “Oh Bento, are you all right?”


“Yes, my dear Pornitis,” he replied. “But you must agree that now is not the time to dillydally speaking of olden times. Not when the people out there need to know ...”


But rather than coherent words, phlegmy lung matter was all that he could make pass his lips.


“There, there, Bento Box,” cooed Steph Pornitis. “We’ll always have Portland.”


He paused mid-cough to remember that magical unworldly Oregonian evening of seven years past. Not for nothing did this Greek goddess of glamor rank number 3 on his all-time list of conquests. Although, as he pondered further, Harold questioned whether he might not more accurately be considered the vanquished party in this case, rather than the vanquisher.


Five slender red-nailed fingers snaking through his hair did make finding the answer any easier.


“As the world’s greatest rock-and-roll band says, you can’t always get what you want,” Steph said, patting the ailing diplomat’s head.


“I beg your pardon,” Bento Box sputtered out. “The Beatles never said that, to the best of my knowledge.” He had collected all the relevant albums in vinyl, CD, and MP8 formats, and had been known to walk down the street singing “Hey Jude” while listening on his vintage iPud™ (circa 2028 model).


“Ah, now I remember why we split up seven years ago. I guess despite the best intentions, we can’t work it out.”


McGillicuddy laughed bitterly, or maybe it was another coughing fit. She abruptly let go of him and began walking away. 


“Wait!” he called after her. “Don’t go! I need your help.” Spittle dripped down his smock. 


She paused and turned her head back to look at him. “You know you look awful, don’t you,” she said.


“That’s what she said, too,” he said excitedly.


“That’s what who said?”


“The old woman. The soothsayer. Oracle of Delta Phi or some such.”


“Oh, you mean that hag down at the sorority house? She’s patunkus.” This, as Bento Box well knew, was Pornitis’s idiosyncratic slang for “loony; irrelevant; dismissable opinion-wise.”


“I don’t know, Steph, she said some real powerful stuff. Stuff that made a whole lot of sense. Like that the machines are out to get us. That President Romney’s reign of tax-free terror was only the beginning of the madness.”


“Posh. She don’t know her ass from a portal in the biodome,” Pornitis scoffed.


“But you haven’t heard the worst of it. She...”


Permalink | 1 Comment | 28 points

Filed Under: novel heard 'round the world
Vote Obamney/Ryden
Posted by Gerrit at 2012-09-18 23:47:05

Handy cheat sheet for Election 2012

  Candidate A Candidate B
Attended Harvard Y Y
Defender of big business Y Y
Frequently lied in pursuit of presidency Y Y
Ashamed of extending healthcare to constituents Y Y

Remeber to vote?

Permalink | 1 Comment | 1,162,012 points

Filed Under: Election 2012
Read it! Read it now!
Posted by Shay at 2012-08-07 07:18:10

 If you can't beat the vampire mashup craze, join it.

And there's no classier vampire than The Late Gatsby. So download it to your kindle, read it, and then, what the hell, download it again.

Note - since copyright laws in the U.S. are notoriously strict (see: The Mickey Mouse Protection Act) it is the only country in the world (!) where The Great Gatsby is still protected by copyright, so this book may only be purchased outside of the United States. Time to call up your foreign friends (Including me, if we're friends).

Permalink | 1 Comment | 0 points

Filed Under: F. Scott Fitzgerald, vampires, kindle, mashup
That's Why It's Called an "Assault" Rifle
Posted by The SWZA at 2012-07-22 14:58:08


Rest in peace, victims of latest wingnut. 

And rest in peace, future victims of wingnuts still allowed to purchase legally and own SEMI-AUTOMATIC AR-15s that hold 100-ROUND DRUM MAGS.

To all the fucking assholes talking about how an armed movie patron could've stopped the shooter:  BULLSHIT

No gun owner in his right mind would ever, EVER fire blind in a darkened room filled with tear gas and terrified people running for cover.

And if you would, you're no different than the shooter, himself.  Just dumber and more dangerous.


*Remember, kids:  Your life doesn't mean shit in a nation that lobbies against common sense in favor of the freedoms of gun-toting paranoiacs.




9x19 mm parabellum

Permalink | 0 Comments | 0 points

Filed Under: the humanity of our being has left the building ; mental healthcare NOW ; no one outside of a war zone needs an assault rifle ; FUCKING GROW UP, NRA DICKWEEDS
New Yorkers REPRESENT!
Posted by The SWZA at 2012-07-19 13:20:52

What is it about people who cannot keep their fucking hands to themselves.



Permalink | 1 Comment | 28 points

Filed Under: bust that shit up ; vile trash in our cities ; MORE OF THIS
No Disney, No Doubt
Posted by The SWZA at 2012-07-11 07:04:08

When I was in school, this was called "detention in the gym."

Go, badass, GO!!


Permalink | 0 Comments | 0 points

Filed Under: Taylor the Terror ; adorable, tough and awesome
MORE Inspiring-ER Words!
Posted by The SWZA at 2012-06-27 10:43:19

Aaah.  Progress.

Permalink | 0 Comments | 0 points

Filed Under: so so nice
Holy Fucking Shit!
Posted by The SWZA at 2012-06-27 10:40:15

From TPM Live Wire

Queen Elizabeth, Ex-IRA Leader Share Historic Handshake (PHOTO)

From the LA Times:

In a meeting symbolizing the end of years of enmity between British rule and Northern Ireland republicans, Queen Elizabeth shook hands Wednesday with a former Irish Republican Army commander.

Martin McGuinness, now a deputy first minister of Northern Ireland and a member of the pro-republican Sinn Fein party, was a senior IRA member in the years of sectarian violence. During that time, the group was responsible for blowing up the yacht of Lord Louis Mountbatten, the queen’s cousin, killing him and three others while they vacationed off the coast of Northern Ireland in 1979.



Dear Israeli Government,


There will be a quiz on this material.  Study up.

Also, Prof. Shay Azoulay, EMBA, PhD, DDS, Capt./Baywatch, is excused from the exam for being a hip, hip, peace-loving dude who swims in the sea wearing aviator sunglasses.

Oh, and someone might want to let the U.S. Embassy know that Henry Ford was a bigger antisemite than Walt Disney.




Permalink | 0 Comments | 28 points

Filed Under: peace ain't no dream, people
More Inspiring Words from Brave Folks
Posted by The SWZA at 2012-06-26 11:51:22

God damn, I love these videos and the badasses who make them.


Permalink | 0 Comments | 0 points

Filed Under: Portland PB: AWESOME ; people power! ; all these nice peeps AND Ichiro? Seattle is cool.
Yes. Yes. And Yes.
Posted by The SWZA at 2012-06-22 11:18:30


Permalink | 1 Comment | 12 points

Filed Under: NdGT FTW

The next contest ends in:
2015-05-01 16:00:00 GMT-06:00
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September 2012
  • The Novel Heard 'round the World, Page 2
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    August 2012
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    July 2012
  • That's Why It's Called an "Assault" Rifle
  • New Yorkers REPRESENT!
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  • MORE Inspiring-ER Words!
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